Dear Michael,

My girlfriend and I had an argument over what to eat on Valentine’s. We were planning on spending the day together, but my girlfriend wanted to eat at an expensive restaurant. My mom purchased a package of Hot Pockets last week, and I was hoping we could just eat that. What should I do? -Based Junior

There are several ways to fix this. The easiest way to stop this problem is to “stop” this relationship. Just break up! Being single is low-kirkenually pretty great. However, if you’re thinking about breaking up with this girl just to get a new one, then you’re in for a nasty surprise. Most girls prefer fancy restaurants to Hot Pockets, so that will be a recurring problem with new girlfriends. That is why I recommend not breaking up with her (unless she’s ugly, of course). Instead, take her to a gas station, buy a gas station cheeseburger or hot dog, and eat on a park bench or something. Budget-friendly too! 

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Dear Michael, 

My shower water tastes and smells weird. Whenever I drink it, I always throw up 5 minutes later, and then I get really bad headaches and stomachaches all night. I stopped drinking it, but when the water hits the tub, it starts bubbling, and this weird smoke starts coming out of it. Is this a problem? -Hygienically Concerned Freshman.

Well, uh- I’m not a plumbing expert, but I can tell you that this may be a problem. There is a chance that this is not very good. Hygiene is very important, but if the water is bubbling and smoking, it might be an issue. Most people would call a plumber, but that is extremely expensive. I would suggest instead just ignoring it completely. I mean, how bad can it actually be? However, if you’re a bit worried about what it might do to your skin, then just don’t shower. You won’t start smelling bad for at least 3 days! 

Notice: The views of Michael Cornwall do not reflect those of the Titan Times.